Dear Agony Aunt,
This is to say I won’t be seeing you again. I thank you for all the patient hearing over all these years, especially in a world where nobody has ears anymore and family and friends don’t meet so often as they used to. However, I must confess, the eyes are growing larger and are capable of seeing wider, across the globe, as they remain glued to mobile phones.
What! Did you say, you didn’t know, what a Smartphone was?! Well, that is exactly why you have remained my best friend ever! Or else I would have washed my dirty linen on Twitter or Facebook or written a blogpost, instead of coming back to you.
Okay, let me not divulge from the point of where I started off, in the first place.
It’s been a long journey over several years and pains, aches and mood swings have littered the path, with violent spurts of irritability, squabbles, tears and anger tantrums, followed by days of uncontrollable desire to make haste to mate. Pushed around by programmed DNA to make babies, many times over I fell on a missionary position to make it with men, which the Lord knows are his ill begotten sons! Feminist though I am, I was unable to resist ‘taking help’ from THE LINGAM (see Link, if you please), that too with full consent, desperate desire to make babies!
Thankfully with modern technology, this wild attempt of mine failed. Praise the Lord!
And now, for the last two years I have been released from the chains of bondage to body, a few inches below the naval, by the kindness of nature. With all my neurological pathology cause by hormones, I am no more obsessed with the size of a man’s crotch, best suited to fertilize a human egg. Neither am I driven crazy by thoughts of losing the best crotch to the next best woman with bigger breasts. A wisdom has dawned, that the world is broken by wars about whose ‘gun’ / Lingam is bigger than whose and which breast can cause a man to stand upright till he invariably ‘falls’!
Thus, freed of the chains that bound me every month, to untold suffering, I have now attained nirbana. I am free of the vices that raked my body and my mind, jealousy being the first of them, quickly followed by possessiveness, all in the name of the illusion of love. I no more need to watch for a 36-24-36 size, which I am told is the ideal size to lock a man’s protrusion like he was stuck in a Coke bottle and could never come out.
I am therefore, peaceful and grateful to you for all the help you extended to me, in my turbulent journey of clots, plots and worry-warts.
Agony Aunt responds: Beware the aftermath of such raging wars with hormones. While they may have caused embarrassing stains and pains, but when they leave, they leave behind impressions of those terrible years, which are so engraved in the mind, that there may be, smoke, although there is no fire at all. See you soon again, my deluded child!