Archive for December, 2012



It scares me to see that I visited and wrote my life here on these pages over a year ago! Have I then put aside my life for all this time, not wanting to look at it at all? Or have I replaced it with another life, most dear to me, yet, too engaging?


No choice in life is an accident.

Sometimes, I need to replace one way of life for another, in order to distance myself from the one I am with. I allow the other to cast a veil over it. This is the only way I can review my life, at close quarters, giving myself time to do so.

Two and a half years ago, I went back to a love, I had left behind ten years ago. For years it was my only love and at it’s alter, I had sacrificed my personal life, many times over, because, in many ways, there was no difference between my personal and professional life. All my passion lay with the latter. Day in day out, I ate, dreamed, talked about it and naturally, most people who affected my personal life were from the same industry. As quickly as we came together, we parted too. I threw myself more and more in my work, until, suddenly, out of the blue, I was struck by someone, quite different from who I was and yet, quite similar too. This resulted in ten years break with my former love.

But, it is difficult to be far away from your own shadow and two years ago, I returned with full gusto only to realise that nothing you leave behind you ever is the same experience again. Not only has it changed, but you have changed too. Hence, even the experience of an old glove is different. It might fit comfortably, but like two lovers coming together after a long time, must realign their lives to each other, similarly here too, it was old wine in a new bottle, but with a new taste.  Whether it is the early morning tea together, which you much loved in the old days, and now after these years of separation you find, you must drink alone, sitting on the lawn, staring at nothing really or running your eyes over the morning Newspaper, the point is, it must be alone, and not with the other. Even if you have had a mellow night of long and lingering love making, to let yourself go and rest in the quiet arms of sleep, you might need to even sleep, way away from each other – all such major changes from the past, when, that cup of tea was something to relish, more because, you continued your love making of the night by resting your body in between his thighs while he played with your hair and his cuppa, at one and the same time. It was also different when you slept – your bodies intertwined with each other…

Things change over time. The same is different. An orange grows into itself and there is only that much it can share with the other.

Yet, I can’t say, I do not know the familiar touch and feel, nor love to look away from what I have been with for ten full years or more.

Perhaps when I am able to bring myself to experience it in full again, I will not have lose motions and forget that both are important to me, the new and the old.

Or the blended tea, of strength and liquor, if you like it!

Picture Credit: wallpapersuggest.com


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