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Archive for October, 2013

Film, songs

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Sunshine cloud

Sunshine_at_Dunstanburgh

Shadow lies

I may not have told you yet
My heart skipped a number of times
when we met, briefly

My mind said
No, this is again one more mirage
your mind has created to divert
your attention from yourself

Perhaps, I said
maybe! But please I need

To look at other things

Some love, some feelings and sensations

to know that I am alive and kicking
I might have been alone

Very alone
In fact the aloneness only a bad relationship can bring me to
But was it not her desire too

I saw in her eyes behind her specs
that light of anxiety mixed with desire

May I not rest in those longing eyes
which reflect my desire too?

For too long I have slept on a pillow which harboured bad dreams

Is it not time to open a little window and look out at the sunshine?

 

Picture credit: upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/80/Sunshine_at_Dunstanburgh.JPG

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You can’t talk to a wall, for a long time, because, it does not talk back to you. To have communication, you need interaction. You need to give and receive, both.
There are however, times when things just become something you can call a shrouded rejection. It is like a moon, that is there in the sky but you can’t see it because it is covered by a cloud. It is not as if it is not there; the truth is it is there, but it is also a truth, that you can’t see it. No matter what the reason is, there is a wall between you and the other. And you can’t talk to the cloud, the shroud, the wall. It only absorbs and gives nothing in return.
There is a deception in place. The illusion of the moon, behind the cloud, is an illusion, so long as the moon does not show up in front of it. The existence of the moon, is a supposition, the reality in the face is the cloud. So which are we to assume, is real and which false?
There is one sure reality check. Get behind the cloud. Is there really a moon, or standing in front of the cloud, there is only the illusion of an existing moon?
Get real. If there is no moon, there is no rejection, not even a shrouded one. So don’t hang out there staring at what is not there. Instead, you have a whole world on the other side, the side you are not looking at, the side which is looking at you from behind and saying –
“You can’t talk to the wall, all your life. You brain will become hollow. Exchange is like two cups of tea standing next to each other – you pour some in one and then another and you drink of both.”
*sigh* What goes out comes around! Even rejection!

 

 

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I need a shower of poison
A shower of love
That blinds me
Binds me
Kills me
To my old self
I need a shower
Of yantras-mantras
A deep schism to fill
So deep
That it can pour out the hell –
The flesh burning
Passion licking the sky
Of my innards
I need the shower of poison
In my bones
To release me from purgatory
Of body yelling for
A release

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Image

What is this power you require
to get out of yourself
in a relationship
with yourself, in the other?

 

What is the speed you require
to crash land in the aerodrome
within yourself, without hurting yourself?

 

What is the power you need
to unfasten your own belt
and dare to throw yourself
to gravity, from sky high?

What is the escape velocity
you need to leave behind the shackles
that you choose to bind yourself with?

 

She has not said yes, nor has she said no; she has not accepted, nor has she rejected; she has not been there, nor has she not ventured away from it; I wonder, why my patience is running low, my anger rising…

 

Love is, but a happening; it is not in our hands to decide whom and where. Why am I aching for her, when she has neither said yes, nor looked away, to indicate she does not care?

 

I saw the first shivers on the lace curtains on my door. I trembled in my heart. I waited. I stood on my toes, lest my heels make too much noise. I dared not look behind for fear that what I feel is only the appearance of my shadow self and not her, whom I want so deeply.

 

Not her, whom I want so deeply, so absolutely, so wholly; her, who sits on my eyelids when I sleep and watches me in my dream. Her, whom I desire so deeply, , I see her peeping through the crevice in the wall  – who is this other I seek, who is she, my alter ego, my shadow self, so silent, I fear she may hear my subdued breath ….and flee!

 

Hush, my little heart, stay quiet, even if you know, it is she, who I am waiting for, who has arrived.

 

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