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Archive for the ‘Communication’ Category

Shadow lies
I may not have told you yet
My heart skipped a number of times
when we met, briefly

My mind said
No, this is again one more mirage
your mind has created to divert
your attention from yourself

Perhaps, I said
maybe! But please I need

To look at other things

Some love, some feelings and sensations
to know that I am alive and kicking
I might have been alone

Very alone
In fact the aloneness only a bad relationship can bring me to
But was it not her desire too

I saw in her eyes behind her specs
that light of anxiety mixed with desire

May I not rest in the those longing eyes
which reflect my desire too.

For too long I have slept on a pillow which harboured bad dreams

Is it not time to open a little window and look out at the sunshine?

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smriti62It is said that a king once came across a sage and was so deeply affected by him, that he gave up his huge kingdom, his wealth and his women to follow the sage in the search of The Truth.

This sage was not any ordinary man. For years he had been practicing a silent meditation. Thus, when the king, often questioned him and pleaded for spiritual guidance and direction, the sage answered nothing. However, when the queries got deeper and more persistent, the sage snapped – Be Silent!

That was it. For years the king sat at the feet of his Master, in total silence, from sunrise to sunset, day in, day out. Until one day, a little dog found his home and came to live with him.The king tried to shoo him away, but it would not go. Hence, despite his efforts, the king was forced to look after the dog – feed him and watch on him.

It so happened that a few months from then, a man wandered along and seeing the sage went up to him and fell at his feet.

“ Guru”, he pleaded, “give me something to eat. I am so hungry…”

The sage looked at him and said –

“ There is no food here, as you can see. But you can go to that sansari who live below and he will give you the food you want.”

Hearing this, the king felt a terrible sense of disdain. He loathed to be addressed as a sansari. Was it not he, who many years ago left everything to follow this sage? His kingdom, wealth and women, all renounces for a search? So why was he being called a sansari? However, his thoughts took him to his habits in the recent years and he knew why the sage had called him a sansari.

It was the dog and his attachment to the dog that made him a sansari. Having left everything in his world as a king, he still had not left his attachment to things, be it a dog even. Suddenly, it hit him like a bolt from the blue – it is not what you leave behind materially outside, what you need to leave behind is attachment itself. If one is not free of the bandhans inside, no matter what one leaves outside, new things will only replace it again. So if one has to be really free, then, one has to cut off the very threads that bind us to the things outside.

A great realization struck him and in that moment, he left, now even knowing where he was going to. He left the dog, the house and the sage, all in one stroke.

When the moment is ripe, all things fall into place themselves. The rest of the time is spent, only preparing for that moment.

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Dear Stephie,

 

We have not been in touch for years. Neither you wished to reach out to me nor did I want to bridge the gap of silence between us. However, the reasons were different for both of us.

 

We carried the burden of loving the same man. 

 

I had lost him to you and you lost him to eternity. What a cruel joke! Pity, neither you nor me could keep him forever. Yet, we do live on with guilt – I, for hating you for your act of theft and you for having stolen my love treasure.

 

Ours is not a triangle. Ours is a direct fight between two women, over the rights of one body. And both of us have played out our game of violence over his body.

 

But if either of us were to be confronted with the fact, we would both deny it.

Was it our love or our egos? Was it our hatred or our gaming minds? Was it our super-ego or our extreme desire to fool ourselves to believe that one of us is greater than the other? Or, was it our fatal desire to prove that one was better than the other? What was it we were trying to establish by playing this game with each other over him?

 But what the hell! The right to be ourselves is ours – vile, wicked, malicious, and angry that we are. Yet, we must deceive each other and our own selves and hide our real selves – we are bitches, both of us.

I have chosen to write this letter to you in order to  tell you once and for all I despised you for your courage to steal him away from right under my nose. I tried to break you up but was convinced that he wanted to be with you, only when you were around. But, when you were away, out of town, it is me he returned to. Our passion for each other doubled during those times….

 

 

Then how can you say, he was yours? And even if he was, you have lost him just as I have, to eternity.

 

What is over is over. What remains is here and now…. A moment pregnant with the curse of closure.

 

I want to tell you I have purposely kept away from you, from sending a condolence letter as well when I came to know of his passing away. Who ever condones the death of a whore’s  husband?

 

But, today I need to close the chapter with you too….I need to end this story of hate, not for your sake but for mine. It is purely a selfish reason.

 

I am pretty certain that if ever you receive this letter, you will in turn say, “Who is Usha?” It will be the same for you as well – selfish, you before me. And that is why I call both of us, bitches. Our egos are bigger than our selves. It has always been so.

 

I am not sorry for the past, nor for the feelings I havefor you. But I do need to ask permission to close this chapter with you, these pageswe have both written with tears, jealousy, anger and venom for each other. And I hope with that, we will have both, finally moved on, knowing there is nothing more to share between us….

 

********************************************************

 

Memsaab, Usha heard a voice behind her. It was her driver. She turned to look at him.

 

“The gates will close Madam. You have been sitting here for last two hours”.

 

Usha gathered herself, bringing herself to the present moment. She stared at the stone walls of the Monkey Point, trying to fix her mind on the face of one stone that resembled a monkey. Yes, she had come here to look for the monkey among the stones, but what she got engaged in was the monkey in her mind. At last she had written the long awaited letter to her ex-husband’s  wife.

 

A deep sigh escaped her mouth as she lifted herself to walk in slow steps towards her car.

 

“Let’s go”, she said simply, “the gates have closed.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

NB Art By Smriti Vohra 

 

 

 

 

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We haven’t spoken in six years.

Even when we did so called speak to each other, there were those long moments, those long hours and sometimes those wordless days that stretched from one evening to another, when not a single word passed between us. It never occurred to me then, that we have not spoken to each other for such a long time. There was no need – there were no arguments to win, no need to prove that my point was right, no need keep each other engaged with words, no need to prove that I or you had a point of view. In fact, quite often, words became a distraction from Self.

Someone asked me the other day, do you not miss him? I had to think before I could answer that question. Do you not miss the conversation you had with him? And if not, then, do you not miss just looking at him, touching him…. Seriously, I had to think. Not that I have forgotten you, but I had to think. Do I? Do I in any way miss him? And I could give only one honest answer – I said no, I do not miss him at all, except when I am not in touch with myself.

Of course I have come all this distance to meet you at the end of the tunnel. You were waiting there for me. How did you know? Since we have not talked to each other for all these years….how did you know I was coming to see you? But, never mind, I am here now and we are sitting across each other, and although we are silent and there are no words passing between us, we are talking. Just like it used to be before when we sat in different rooms doing our own thing and I would go make a cup of coffee for both of us and take it to you – silence would break with just four words and a smile – how did you know, you would ask? Just like that in our silence we have spoken such volumes to each other. Yet, why should I then remember here today that we haven’t spoken to each other for six long years?

” Words are a distraction from Self, you would say. I am not you and you not me yet by our coming together, we are thrust to our Selves. You think that if I am not there, that which you experience will go away. You are wrong.”

You were right. Because, what you have not caused, you cannot take away from me. It has been me all along, the producer, the director and the actor in my own film. We searched each other not because we were soul mates, but because, we had a date with our own selves. We needed a catalyst, to spark off what we wanted to ignite within ourselves. And in coming together, we realized that end. That is why, I say, we are the producer, the director and the actor in this film. And as hard as it may sound, once our objectives have been achieved, the other became irrelevant. We exist with our selves, with or without the other. What does it matter when the fire has been lit, whether it was the fire stones, the match stick, the fire from the candle light that lit up the fire? Likewise, with Silence. Once it has begun to grow inside, even though initially it was ignited with words and actions that went between us, how does it matter how it all began? For when the words stopped, the silence still remained. And again and again in each lifetime, we both will seek each other out so that we take one more step closer to our Selves.

Do I miss you? No! A voiceless silence, stoic, steadfast, straight as a reed, unswerving in the moving breeze, Self – absorbed is what I lit within my self just when you came along, and with each I meet along the way, I share what I shared with you. A deep connection, stronger than words can ever tell. The Silence that I sparked off within myself having come in contact with you, is a thread that goes through every other I meet and it is only this I have to share with them finally, a wordless communion.

Just like what I am sharing here with you right now, just before I return to the world of breathing beings.

I just came to share that we haven’t spoken in six years. We are both wrapped in Silence.

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