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After almost 17 years of partnership, I realised that there have been umpteen moments when I decided to leave but didn’t go.

One of the key factors that make for a long relationship is lots of ups and downs. Smooth-running relationships spell disaster.

I have had a turbulent childhood and teenage years, a pattern I carried to my adult life as well. At first, I thought it was easier to up and go than waste time in negotiating a difficult relationship. Yet, over time, I realised that it takes much more to build a home, than it takes to break a house. I took up the challenge to remain, no matter what.

Key factors that helped me were my ability to see the brighter side of the darkest night. And realizing that the saying, ‘this also will pass’ is wrong. Many times, the same problems arise again and again, and the same words are exchanged till the voice can no longer hold those terrible screeching words any more nor the mind come up with reasons to explain and dialogue on the same old things, again.

“We have done that number before, ” I’d say. But, into deaf ears.

Spouse deafness can be awful especially if you are given to weak lungs and subsequent cough, due to over exercising the larynx. I am like that, only! What’s worse is, no, you don’t need the virus in the air to cause your sore throat and there are no broad-spectrum antibiotics that can cure your throat, please to note.

So there, you learn your lesson: Silence, is golden, when the other cannot hear. Lengthy discourses may also be done via email and guess what, you may write the stuff, but the other may read or choose not to, but the fact is, you’ve said what you needed to say and the eyes may hear or not hear at all, but you are free of a huge burden and hey, you have saved yourself from the terrible sore-throat, guilt feeling  for having vomited out angry words and what not.

Second, fall in love with someone else, for the time being. All in your head, of course! It helps, since you have psyched yourself into fooling your endocrine glands into producing in large quantities, the much needed adrenaline on which you are now high. Pity the poor gland has no concept of real from the imagined. You can at least be safe for a while, because you have sufficient stress relieving hormones to take you forth for the next ten months or so, during which time, your present problem with partner may end, but a new set of problems may crop up, for which you need new strategies.

Third, take a break from each other. Do different things. Pretend to be present when together, but ‘take leave of your mind‘ and visit far places which the other is talking to you. I can swear on this method! Be meditative and laugh at the right moment though or make exclamations whenever needed. In case, the other catches your absent mindedness, then repeat the last words she said to you.

“Are you listening?” There! It’s that easy. Just say, ‘Yes, I am listening; you just said, are you listening?’ ”

Life’s battles can be won in many ways. The critical issue is: strategy, which is a well-thought out plan devoid of all emotions. So you can keep a home, even if the house is breaking!

And this is how, I have stayed on, holding the fort of a relationship, that is forever bouncing like a ball. And have gained in insight and patience and forbearance.

I learnt a lesson from Snoopy, my pet dog. She was not like a cat, whose loyalty depended on where she gets her food and safe stay. She was loyal to me and no matter what I said to her, all she did was rolled her eyes this way and that, but she never left.

I’ve done the same throughout all these years myself. It really is all about  strategy!

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Picture from the net

 

 

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brown-hair-blue-eyes-makeup

I won’t see Madhu’s blue eyes again

And I won’t see her childlike pudgy fingers sit on her lap

Waiting for me to intertwine mine in hers

I won’t see her eyes fill with concern for her son

Nor the coldness that is theirs

When she speaks of her husband.

I won’t see them rest on my face

And ponder if I was a fool

To love her so.

Her eyes don’t know what I hide in mine

The dark shrouded pupil swimming in the ocean of milk

Conceal myriad memories around a pair of blue eyes

So dear to me in my childhood

Tucked away in the recesses of my mind

That pair of liquid blue eyes

So proud even behind dark glasses

Acts like a dam blocking out pulsating passion.

On the surface, my eyes are cold and dead.

Time will never erase the memory of those blue eyes

That rejected me.

But time can never stop me from seeking them

Again and again around me in friends and lovers

Those beautiful blue eyes

Just like Madhu’s blue eyes.

I won’t see Madhu’s blue eyes again

Tucked behind the wall of my cold eyes

I have stored the memory of those eyes

Which today, reflect in the coldness of the shroud

That covers my pupils

Swimming in the ocean of white milk

Dead.

Photo credit 

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An extraordinary post, Aekta, ethereal as it may be, it is passionate and very alluring.

via For the love of jasmine.

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Shadow lies
I may not have told you yet
My heart skipped a number of times
when we met, briefly

My mind said
No, this is again one more mirage
your mind has created to divert
your attention from yourself

Perhaps, I said
maybe! But please I need

To look at other things

Some love, some feelings and sensations
to know that I am alive and kicking
I might have been alone

Very alone
In fact the aloneness only a bad relationship can bring me to
But was it not her desire too

I saw in her eyes behind her specs
that light of anxiety mixed with desire

May I not rest in the those longing eyes
which reflect my desire too.

For too long I have slept on a pillow which harboured bad dreams

Is it not time to open a little window and look out at the sunshine?

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I would like to give my life
Away
I would like to die
To this moment
To hold in my ears
The sound of the Eternal
Nee…

I would like to take to ochre
And dress with nothing on
Save the name written
In my soul
Nee…

Of love they say
It is an infliction
Of the mind
But
They never say the same
About
Nee…

I would like to throw
The burden of waiting
For the Name
Written across my destiny
Nee…

Nee…You!

With your coming
the pain sleeping in my eyelids
have subsided.
The little plant hiding in the seed
has sprung up to meet the sky.
My heart has come alive
with our relationship.

My eyes have opened
with ecstasy
Surprise, shock
laughter, goose bumps
admiration sparkle
in these eyelids.

In the screaming mind
loneliness persisted
but emerging from behind the curtain today
the frozen, cold moments sped away
the heavy burden days disappeared.

Half comfort
half happiness
thus, surprise
laughing
smiling
Goosebumps
admiring
In these eyelids

(is)You!

 

Rough translation/transcreation JD  & KN

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Many years ago, the man who took me to do Copy at his agency, turned out to be a man of deep emotions. As much as he was his father’s pet and had spent a sizable amount of time, loafing around in different family businesses, he finally deserted it all to start out on his own. Together with a childhood friend he opened an agency which had ready clients from all segments. Naturally he did not have to do the licking arse kind of stunts because all our clients were in some way or the other related to his family.

Our agency was perpetually full of slender women with beautiful looks with high ambitions. Most of them were very professional too. Many of them found me their engagement outside the boss’s cabin and they sat and chatted with me forever. Among them were many who finally landed films and then forgot their small days as aspiring models in an advertising agency.

Among those of us who were working there, was one smart little lady, who knew how to get her way with the boss. She came in with a recommendation and quickly took up to habits that you wore to prove you were like ‘different’. She wore her sari low, exposing a milk white midriff and she wore her lips red, blazing red. And between her lips she always hung a Marlboro or a State Express, because the boss smoked 555. The aroma in the office was State Express, and our poor Five Square Kingsize took a real beating.

She hung around with the boss after hours while the Receptionist went off with clients. That dirty old Gupta of Meera Cookware was forever cooking up dates with her. In fact, he really cheated on us, because, he used all the ladies and took them to his pleasure chambers but returned with nothing for the agency.

One day the boss called me in. He said that the copy i wrote for Meera was great but the executive on the job killed it with her juices. I was aghast!

“I would have thrown her out,” he said, ‘had she not broken into tears and pleaded that, indeed, it is she who felt used, destroyed. I can’t bear to see women in tears.” He ended, looking at me seriously.

My mind went back to the tears my woman had shed, on the day we were leaving each other after nine months of loving each other. I remembered the tears remained like a patch on my white shirt of the school uniform and how, I never gave it for a wash, thereafter. How I would hold the shirt against my cheek as if I was holding her.

“I can’t bear to see women in tears, too.” I agreed.

My first boss and I shared a lot more between us. I was his kid – the cub copy writer in his first agency. It was my first job too.

 

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Sunshine cloud

Sunshine_at_Dunstanburgh

Shadow lies

I may not have told you yet
My heart skipped a number of times
when we met, briefly

My mind said
No, this is again one more mirage
your mind has created to divert
your attention from yourself

Perhaps, I said
maybe! But please I need

To look at other things

Some love, some feelings and sensations

to know that I am alive and kicking
I might have been alone

Very alone
In fact the aloneness only a bad relationship can bring me to
But was it not her desire too

I saw in her eyes behind her specs
that light of anxiety mixed with desire

May I not rest in those longing eyes
which reflect my desire too?

For too long I have slept on a pillow which harboured bad dreams

Is it not time to open a little window and look out at the sunshine?

 

Picture credit: upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/80/Sunshine_at_Dunstanburgh.JPG

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